Why I hate talking politics.

Republican.

(For you international readers, you can probably skip this topic.) It's an election year and that means the dicks are in full swing. You won't be able to watch more than five minutes of a show on TV or read a page or two of internet conversations without someone barking off about the election, or how Obama is a horrible president, or how Romney would be a horrible president, or how Hollywood caters to the left, or how Fox News is a Republican soapbox, or... Just whatever. Personally, I try to stay the hell out of politics. I mean, I'm a guy who draws cheesecake, reads the Smurf comics and thinks Battleship was an awesome movie. Do you really want MY opinion on politics? I got 'em, but honestly I try to keep them to myself and a circle of close friends. I've mentioned before, I'm somewhat of a novice historian. And when I say historian, I don't mean I got an A+ in U.S. History class (I did), but that I research and look up historical events from all over the world, and not just the United States, and I do this for fun. People like to think we're 'the most politically divided our nation has ever been'. Well, if you've paid attention at all for the last several decades, this nonsense has been going on since the Civil War Reconstruction, and it's not even the worst it's been. (The events leading up to World War I was pretty polarizing. But as that was generally a time period without television or motion pictures, we usually tend to overlook that.)

Democrat.

Sadly enough, as the internet is populated by mostly people who feel the desire to speak truth to power, without ever really realizing what the hell that phrase even means. They don't even know the truth, much less which power to even speak to. They feel the need to 'educate everyone' like they're bringing fire down from Olympus, without realizing that most people have already heard this stuff and have already formed their own opinion. We have this notion that if someone isn't thinking the same way as we do, then they must be converted or become the enemy... Regardless of how minor the differences may be. And what's really sad... Is that a vast majority of us are really guilty of this, even if we don't believe we are. I know I am, and I feel bad about it from time to time. (It's something I'm trying to work on.)

I'm what you would call 'socially liberal, fiscally conservative'. (Or a Truman Democrat. I would actually call myself a Libertarian, if people like Glenn Beck and Bill Maher hadn't spoiled the term for the rest us.) I'm essentially a moderate, very middle of the road on just about everything. I believe that both parties have some very valid points, that often get ignored due to invincible ignorance fallacy. “It came from the other side, so it must be wrong!” That kind of thinking seems to permeate our political discussions far too often, to the point that the metaphor of arguing to a brick wall pops up. I have friends who are Republican and friends who are Democrats. I have friends who are devout Christians, and friends who are hardcore atheists. I have friends from all over the political compass, I love them all, and not a single one shares my exact beliefs... And I thank God for that. How boring of a world would this be if we all thought the same way?

Moderate.

Johnny Carson once said in regards why he avoids political commentary: Why would you want to alienate half your audience? Especially since it's not like people who think differently than you are the enemy. Really, the difference between your average every day run-of-the-mill conservative and the average every day run-of-the-mill liberal is mere degrees on the political compass. Hey, Conservatives? You know those lunatic lefties, that sit around Berkley, talkin' about legalizing drugs, ending the fed, and that we all should be more like Europe? They annoy the hell out of your average liberal as much as they annoy the hell out of you. Yo, Liberals? You know those gun-toting, bible thumping right-wingers, who's ascared of gay marriage, Muslim mosques, and that we need to get back to how things were during the Eisenhower Administration? They irritate the hell out of your average conservative, just like they do to you too. None of us are really that different. And all too often, we've let our opinions of the 'other side' be painted by old exaggerated extremist stereotypes, that we often defend vehemently, without even thinking that the 'other side' are actual people too, who are not represented by these assholes as a whole...

...Unless you're that much of an elitist prick that you enjoy bad stereotyping of whole groups of people. Then that being the case, I probably lost you somewhere about when I was talking about truths and power. Yeah, like I said... I'm a guy who draws boobs and butts. I'm not the one somebody needs to listen to when it comes to politics, but regardless... It does wear on you after a while, hearing the petty snide remarks from both sides of the aisle, without realizing the people that they're mocking are also probably decent people too. Perhaps I'm sensitive and not thick-skinned enough...

...Or I'm just tired, like the rest of us.

I think that'll be it for the serious politics talk for a long while. Next time, I'll get back to shitty movies and comic talk.

Whig.

Top Ten DC Animated Movie dream list

So it was pretty much announced that one of the next DC animated movies is going to be a two part movie of Frank Miller's overrated 'The Dark Knight Returns'. Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it... I have never been a huge fan of Miller's grand opus. I thought it was neat for it's time, but in the end, I always felt it was lacking in several areas. It's often compared to Watchmen, but to be honest, that's really unfair to do so, because Watchmen is a LOT better of a book. Now I'm not trying to get on Alan Moore's dick here, because enough people are doing that due to this whole 'Before Watchmen' scandal that's going on. But Watchmen IS a better written story. It actually has various tactful elements of writing, from similes to foreshadowing. Dark Knight though, I always felt it lacked direction, and you can start to see serious shades of Frank Miller's inanity forming in it. It was cutting edge for it's time, and it does deserve it's accolades, but I must say, I do not feel it holds up all that well. And I just cannot help but to feel that when people say it does hold up, that they're saying it out of reflex. Like how when you ask a Transfomers fan if the Generation One cartoons were good, and they all say “yes”. They really were not. They were awful. We loved them, but they were awful. Transformers: The Movie is only slightly better than the Go-Bots movie. (For those reading this for the first time, I'm an enormous Transformers fan. I even liked Revenge of the Fallen, even though I know it's a bad movie.)

Dark Knight is not horrible, but it's Bruce Timm who's handling this one, so there's a lot of reason to be hopeful for it. However, I do think there's better stories to tell. One of the problems with the DC Animated movies is that they're hesitant to produce movies that aren't based on Batman or Superman, since they're the big popular ones. Mainly because the 'Wonder Woman' and 'Green Lantern' DVD sold less than the previous movies. However, when you look at the following movies that came after it, 'Wonder Woman' is still the 3^rd best selling of the bunch and the rest have almost sold less and less each time, with the much lauded 'Batman: Year One' selling less than the barely promoted 'Superman/Shazam!: Return of Black Adam'. So I thought it would be a fun thing to list what I believe would be the best DC comic stories to adapt into a direct to video movie, and since this is a fantasy list, I'm going to pay attention to those sales figures and also include non-Bats and Supes stories. Now I'm not going to include movies that were planned but shelves like Batgirl: Year One or Teen Titans: The Judas Contract, nor am I going to mention stories that they're already thinking about like Kingdom Come. I want to draw attention to the OTHER stories that are often overlooked. (That and I really don't care what people say... The Judas Contract is one of those stories that work great in print, but getting the entire drama of Terra's betrayal into an 80 minute movie would really lack the same punch. At that point in time, the Cartoon Network show would have pulled it off better.)

This is my Top Ten DC Animated movie dream list. (And by all means, all of these stories, if you haven't read them yet... Hunt them down and read 'em. Most of them are pretty good.)

10-9: Batman and the Monstermen / Batman and the Mad Monk (Dark Moon Rising duology) – We'll start the list off with Matt Wagner's Dark Moon Rising duology. Taking place right after Year One, these are two tales of Batman's first adventures against actual supervillains, as opposed to crimebosses. The first story pits him against Doctor Hugo Strange and his hideous genetic experiments, the Monstermen. And the second story places Batman against his first supernatural villain, a vampiric cult leader. It's very nicely paced, and the art is very skillfully done, as Matt Wagner (as always) knows how to play up the camera on the comic page. It also shows a bit of back history into the relationship with Julie Madison, who Bruce Wayne tried to have a real honest to God relationship with. It's very interesting to see Bruce actually think that he's close to ending his war on crime, to see a much more optimistic Batman, one who believes his goals can be obtained. But it's also the story that made him realize this war is never ending as well. If it sounds like the Mask of the Phantasm movie... Well in many ways, Julie Madison was the template for Andrea Beaumont. However, their fates end up drastically different. “Monstermen” is a really good story. However, “The Mad Monk” starts off with some serious asskicking promise, but the end really falls kinda flat. They would have to rework it a bit for the movie. But regardless the strength of the stories is less with the villains of the tale and more with the mindset of Batman.

8: Sandman Mystery Theatre: The Tarantula – And speaking of Matt Wagner, let's tackle his Crime Noir tale of the Golden Age Sandman. In many ways, when reading Sandman Mystery Theatre, you can tell that this series is almost how he would write a Batman series. (Seriously, the Dark Moon Rising stories could easily take place in the 1930s.) Sanman Mystery Theatre, if you don't know, is the period piece comic focusing on Wesley Dodds, the Golden Age Sandman, who would solve horrible crimes with good old fashion detective sleuthing and a handy gas gun and mask. It's very stylish and rather realistic. Actually, I think it'd make a wonderful movie series... But I've often thought that if you lightened the tone up a bit, it would be an awesome animated movie as well. Though understand you would have to really lighten some stuff up a lot, as to say that sometimes this series gets really dark is like saying that liquid nitrogen is bit chilly. But the first storyarc, the Tarantula could be adapted without too much hassles. Though later stories would offer some struggles.

7: Power Girl – I love Power Girl. This is no surprise, as the comic I'm working on is basically a tribute to the character. (Sorta.) Funny story about her. As I mentioned earlier, I'm a big fan of her, and more specifically, of her Atlantean origin. Thing is, a lot of people weren't so hot on that. In fact, they often complained about it. I had a friend in the early 2000s who was working on a team series pitch for DC, and he was working out a cast membership for the team. I suggested Power Girl, and he pretty much scoffed at her, saying she was a horrible character. This was a common comment from a lot of comic fans. (Not all of them of course, but a lot.) In fact, most people only knew her homage Galatea, which was an age accelerate clone of Supergirl in Justice League Unlimited. Then in 2005, DC did a short Power Girl miniseries, where they tied her origins back into Superman's, and kick started off the massive DC crossover event of Infinite Crisis, where she played a pivotal role. Suddenly EVERYONE loved her! (Bandwagoneers! :P ) She's a great character with a fun backstory. Add in the lighthearted feel of her series, and supporting cast members, like Atlee, Vartox and even her damn cat... You could have a seriously charming movie. I have always thought she was a great character... Just right now, I have no idea what DC is doing with her, because I can't say too fond of the new direction they're going in. But hey, that's why I'm doing Firecracker. If I can't have the comic I want, then dammit, I'll make it!

6: All-Star Batman and Robin – For those of you who know what this one is, just bear with me. For the rest of you, lemme explain. All-Star Batman and Robin was the companion story for All-Star Superman. Where as All-Star Superman was written by Grant Morrison, who when he's good, he's amazing, and that story was gold. Seriously, I usually don't like to use this excuse for adaptations, but the movie really didn't do the story justice. It cut out quite a few of the amazingly awesome plot points, and an entire issue, which to me, felt like the entire point to the entire series. But I guess that's to be expected for a movie that's only 88 minutes long. Some stuff's going to be lost... I just wish the stuff that got lost wasn't the good stuff. But All-Star Batman and Robin? Ooooooh, lord. It's written by Frank Miller... Insane Frank Miller. This is the story that finally confirmed for everyone that Frank Miller had lost his fucking mind. It's a retelling Batman adoption of Dick Grayson, and it's just AWFUL. But it's almost so bad it's good. We have Bruce Wayne acting more like an Agent of NAMBLA, almost every female character is pretty much an horrible stereotype, no character is treated with dignity or respect, and then there's the hilarious scene where Batman dicks Black Canary in the garbage. It is a piece of shit, but it's so entertainingly awful, it's like a train wreck, where you're just waiting for the next disaster.

5: Doom Patrol – Here's the thing about Doom Patrol. It's insane. They Doom Patrol has shown up several times in animation already, including the Teen Titans cartoon and the recent Brave and the Bold series and every time, it's very fun. Teen Titans producer, Glen Murakami, has often commented how he loved the Patrol and would love to do more with them. Well, I say let him have 'em! That two-parter of Teen Titans where they showed up is my favorite episodes of the entire series. With an oddball cast like Negative Man and Elastic Girl (no, not Mrs. Incredible), as well as really strange villains like the Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man, Danny, the living transvestite street, Monsieur Mallah, the intelligent speaking gorilla in a beret, and his gay disembodied lover, the Brain, a brain in a computer console... Just concept alone would make it the most entertaining hour and a half in years. And they've had their share of really strange adventures you could pull some stories from.

4: Superman: Last Son – Last Son was written by Geoff Johns and co-written by Richard Donner, and introduced General Zod, Ursa and Non into the DC universe. (It's really strange that those last two hadn't been in it before now. Zod had, in several incarnations, but this is the one that stuck the best.) Esentially, Superman discovers he's NOT the last son of Krypton, when a mysterious young Kryptonian boy crashes into Metropolis. But he's an unwitting pawn, set into motion by the Phantom Zone criminals to invade Earth, setting up a teamup between Superman and my favorite super villain, Lex Luthor. Now, this story has a bit of controversy with it, as it was chronically late. And I mean CHRONIC. It's a five part story that took almost three years or more to tell. And that tends to sour people. (You almost wonder if there was creative issues between artist Adam Kubert and the writers or editors. I only say that because after this story, it wasn't too long until he went back to Marvel.) And there was some cool tie in stories too, like an annual where they developed the past history of a lot of the characters in the story, including a really neat story where you find out that Krypton wasn't exactly an utopia. In fact, they often resorted in draconian methods of submission, including the lobotomizing of Joe-El's scientific mentor Non, into a simple minded brute. And all delays aside, some of the action in this comic is... Just... Damn... Epic. It's almost all worth it just for the massive battle of Superman and Bizzaro, chucking empty school buses at each other, and smashing through entire buildings. You really, truly get how devastating a Superman battle can be in this comic, and the art really gets it's across. (Again, to bring back up the comic I'm doing... If I can pull it off, this is how I wanna do the fights in it. Just massive, if I can.)

3: Supergirl: Cosmic Adventures in the 8^th Grade – This is a fun little Supergirl story that's all ages and just plain adorable. It's a retelling of Supergirl coming to Earth, but in an awesome and fun way. Instead of being this super cute jailbait teenage hot blonde, in a short skirt... She's a lanky, awkward, teenage girl in the eighth grade. Her big concerns is not defeating the villain, but getting though a day at school without looking like a total dumbass. (After all, she's a teenage girl.) It starts very simple and eloquent, but by the end of the story, they're bringing Comet the Superhorse, Streaky the Supercat, Supragirl (who's from the 31^st century with the Legion), Superior Girl (her evil opposite duplicate, but instead of being a dork, she's popular and cool), and Lex Luthor's little sister, who ends up as her roommate. It's funny, it's charming, and to be bluntly honest, a far superior take to Supergirl than the versions they're doing now.

2: Captain Atom: Armageddon – I might have mentioned before I'm a big fan of Captain Atom. In fact, Captain Atom, along with Power Girl, Firestorm and Blue Devil makes up my “Holy Quartet” of favorite superheroes. (Bit of trivia: If I was ever allowed to make up a DC Superteam, I can tell you right now, these four would be on it.) Now with Captain Atom, at the end of the Superman Batman: Public Enemies story, he flew the Composite Superman Batman rocket ship (you had to be there) into the Kryptonite Meteor, saving the Earth, but sacrificing himself in the process. (This animated movie changed this. It kinda pissed me off too.) But Captain Atom wasn't destroyed. In fact, due to his odd quantum signatures, he ended up traveling to another universe... The Wildstorm Universe. What made this so damn cool, is that we have this rather conservative, patriotic hero... Stuck in a universe filled with nihilistic, jaded and near anarchist super-powered assholes. And it starts down this nine issue road, where it's essentially 'one man against the world', as Captain Atom becomes a living quantum bomb that will wipe out the entire universe. (The Wildstorm character Void is connected to it all. She tends to have reality altering powers.) It's huge and impressive. It starts off with him fighting Mister Majestic (a Wildstorm character I actually rather like, and would wish he'd show up in the NuDC 52.), then ending up against the WildC.A.T.s, and eventually having to come toe-to-toe with the goddamned Authority. The fight between Captain Atom, Midnighter and Apollo, two of the scariest, badass mofos in the entire universe was a perfect example of cosmic awesome. And that would be freakin' beautiful to see in animated form... Not to mention, not a bad bit of exposure for some of the under utilized Wildstorm characters and Captain Atom himself. (Hell, you could even work out it nicely with the newer more Dr. Manhattan take he's got now.)

1: Batman: A Lonely Place of Dying – You wanna talk about good and underrated stories, here's the damn poster child for it. It's not even currently available in trade paperback form. (At least not without buying a used copy.) The individual issues, aren't available on Comixology, (it cuts off like five issues after) and it's often overlooked, especially in the wake of more popular stories, like 'A Death in the Family', which showed the death of Jason Todd, the second Robin. But this story is important for one big reason... After 'A Death in the Family', Batman went into a long spiral of near depression, getting seriously darker and more morbid, sometimes getting closer than ever to crossing that line he swore he'd never cross. After all, he had lost his son, Barbara had just been paralyzed, Dick Grayson, now Nightwing, still wasn't speaking to him... He was in a bad place. Then this one young, and very smart boy named Tim Drake who had done what no other person had done: He had figured out that Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson was Batman and Robin. And he did this on his own, without supercomputers, crime labs, or what not. He was a natural born detective. And in this rather dark story involving Two-Face and revenge... You see Batman being brought back from the edge. Essentially, you see Tim Drake being the one to not just start Bruce Wayne down the road of healing after Jason's death, but healing between Bruce and Dick. He becomes the soul of the team. It's a very important story in the history of Batman, and even more in the history of many other heroes in the DC Universe, as he's had a major influence on many of the others teen heroes. He's close friendship with Superboy, Kid Flash and Wonder Girl, his strange on and off again relationships with Stephanie Brown and the tensions between him and Cassandra Cain, as well as the antagonistic rivalry between him and Damian Wayne, the current Robin... Tim Drake, current known as Red Robin, is generally just so well liked. And that's because he's a good guy, and he's been like that since his first appearance... And this story is that first appearance. If you can hunt it down, I do recommend it. Hopefully, it'll be reissued soon, or offered on Comixology. It's really a great story, that I think really brings the Hero's Journey into a new circle with Batman.

And that's my picks. If you got some of your own, feel free to share them, but honestly, one of the greatest treasures that the DC universe has is it's myriad cast of just outright interesting and bizarre characters. Honestly, I do not think it would hurt one iota to give them a little more exposure. Especially after the big deal DC and Warner tried to do last summer with getting new readers. But I've ranted about that already.

Stupid-Awesome - The Thing (2011)

Remakes in Hollywood are commonplace, but they've ALWAYS been common place. Now when a remake is announced, a lot of people bitches and moans about it, about how it wasn't needed or it was taking away from the original. Honestly, I never bought that excuse. Remakes do not take away from the original movie anymore than a bad sequel does. After all, there are a ton of movies that we assume are the 'originals' but are actually themselves remakes. Such is the case for today's movie, 'The Thing'. And no, I'm not talking about 1982's John Carpenter's classic... I'm talking about the recent 2011 remake/prequel movie. Before I begin, SHOULD the movie have been made? Well, no. It wasn't needed. John Carpenter's The Thing is one of those movies that are just perfect for me. (Someday I should compile a list of movies that I actually consider to be of high quality and art. Carpenter's movie would be on it.) However, I could say with complete confidence that 90% of the movies created didn't need to be made. And remakes are going to be made, whether it's for the best or not. So in the end, all you can hope for is that the movie can stand on it's own and not try to copy the original, or try and complement the first movie. I pretty much feel that the '11 Thing movie does the latter.

The '11 Thing movie was given a lot of shit from critics for being an unnecessary remake or prequel, which had the same damn plot as the '82 movie. The thing is, I'm glad it did. You see, if you're going to do a remake... This is the best kind of way to do it. It was already established in the first movie that there was another incident that occurred at a Norwegian site. In the '82 movie, when Copper and MacReady fly to the site, we're never given a full picture of what happened there. There's holes in the walls, the place is burnt down, a dude is there who killed himself with a razor, and his blood was frozen mid-stream... What the hell happened there? Well, we KNOW what happened. The monster happened. And there is a really good argument saying that we should not know what happen. It makes the first film much creepier and isolating, if we're sitting here thinking “Who were these 10-12 people?” But I have to say, after seeing the '11 film... It really DOES make it a lot creepier. That helicopter gunman in the beginning wasn't some nameless soul... It was Lars. That poor son of a bitch with the slit wrist isn't an unnamed ghost anymore... It's Colin. That two-headed burnt corpse wasn't just some random monster... It was Edvard and Adam. Now we know these people, we know who they were and what they were like. And personally, I think it doesn't just compliment the '82 Thing, but now makes it a lot more unsettling. There's a lot to appreciate about how director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. directed the film. Instead of shooting the film digitally, he chose to film it with anamorphic cameras, to better compliment the original movie. The movie was written at a slower pace, and it feels that way. It honestly feels like a 1980's horror movie. (And I love those!) He really strove to replicate the Norwegian encampment from the '82 movie, explaining all these little details, and the do a good job on it. (How did that ax get in the wall? Oh, Carter put it there!)

With the '11 Thing movie, it was obvious to anyone who actually watched it that these guys loved the original Carpenter movie. They weren't trying to outdo the '82 movie, but compliment it... If you watch these movies back to back, it's bloody obvious. A comment right from an IGN interview, involving the producers from the movie:

“...the two convinced Universal to create a prequel instead of a remake, as they felt that remaking Carpenter's film would be like "paint(ing) a moustache on the Mona Lisa". Eric Newman explained; "I'd be the first to say no one should ever try to do Jaws again and I certainly wouldn't want to see anyone remake The Exorcist... And we really felt the same way about The Thing. It's a great film. But once we realized there was a new story to tell, with the same characters and the same world, but from a very different point of view, we took it as a challenge. It's the story about the guys who are just ghosts in Carpenter's movie - they're already dead. But having Universal give us a chance to tell their story was irresistible.”

And I have to agree. Like I said earlier, I think it adds to it. If you don't like it, then it's okay... It doesn't detract from the first movie at all.

Now of course the movie isn't perfect. It's got it's good shares of flaws. In it's efforts to be that complementary to the first movie, they fail to establish themselves as their own movie. A few times too many, they end up repeating some key plot points from the Carpenter movie, as opposed to going into their own direction with it. And there are times that the special effect just looks... Well... Bad. And I'm understanding of the situation, but I just wonder if there may have been another method to pulling it off.

A lot of complaints people have about the movie is the addition of computer generated effects in the movie... But the truth is, the director and producer chose to use a lot more practical effects than we think were used. Yes, when they used digital, it was pretty obvious, and I'm not too thrilled about how the two-headed monster moved about. But here's my thoughts on CGI verses Practical: No one ever complains about CGI when it's Transformers, Avatar or Avengers. They only complain when it DOESN'T have a billion dollar budget. I hear internet critics praising practical effects all the time, and for good reason. When it's done well, it looks real and convincing... Just like CGI. But you know what? When practical effects aren't well done... Which a lot of the older horror movies weren't... It looks just as fake as bad CGI. I remember James Rolfe praising the 1988 remake of the Blob usages of practical effects as opposed to CGI effects it would have probably used if it had been made years later. And yes, I won't argue with the man, because he' truly knows his stuff... But even as a kid, I never once felt like the practical effects of the Blob was 'real'. Because whenever they had to interact with people, it was obviously blue/green screened. And me personally, I feel that's just as bad as low budget CGI. Maybe worse, I dunno. I'm not too sure why I'm supposed to condemn one method that looks crappy, but praise another one that also looks crappy. Nostalgia? Now the '82 Thing was given a lot of praise for it's special effects, and the way they pulled it off. And rightfully so, as it was really well done. And yes, the '11 Thing did take advantage of CGI effects for the monsters, but it's nowhere near as prominent as some of the internet critics would have you believe. It was used mainly in places where it would have been financially unfeasible to do so with practical effects. I think people often forget that a movie budgets are very real things. We're so used to hearing about directors spending $250 million dollars on a movie, that we don't realize that for all the James Camerons of the world, most directors have a very limited budget to pull this movie off with. The '11 Thing only had a 30 million dollar budget. Yeah, I know that 30 million is still a shitload of money, and I could do so very much with even a half a percent of that. But in Hollywood, that's the equivalent of a dinner at Cracker Barrel. It's higher quality food than McDonald's, but it's not exactly Outback Steakhouse either. But you can still get some pretty damn good food there. (I love their chicken and dumplings!) A lot of movies out there are actually the Cracker Barrels of movies. And they have to make do with a decent storytelling. Sometimes, in the cases of District 9 or Pan's Labyrinth, it's done perfectly. But as movie going audiences, we often start to do unfair comparisons. “Movie X could do this on a smaller budget, so why can't Movie Y?” Well, why doesn't all full color webcomics look as good as other full color webcomics? Why isn't one musician as good as another musician? I am a strong believer that no one goes out of their way to produce crap. It doesn't mean it doesn't happen... Just that I don't believe that they're trying to purposely make it bad. Sometimes... You just have a bad idea and you're so close to it, that you can't see it. Hey, even Ridley Scott eventually made Hannibal.

One of the biggest problems with the '11 Thing movie is actually on the characters. Kate Lloyd, played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead... I just never really was able to buy her character's decent into paranoia or even some of the leaps in scientific logic she makes. Granted the first movie had this issue as well, where I never was able to buy Blair's sudden snap of sanity either. She seems like a decent actress, but here, it just seems like sometimes she's either going through the motions, and other times she's really into the role. It's kinda polarizing. And I can't be certain if it's her, or if it's the script. Reason I say the script, is that some of the Norwegian crew, we never really get a sense of who they are. Some of them, we totally do. But there's a lot of nameless folks in this movie that never really get developed. (Unlike in Carpenter's movie, where we got to know who all eleven of those guys were.) And that may be another problem, which I think hurts the tension in this movie. In the original Thing movie, while we got to know and care about the characters of Site 31... We also knew that they were basically a bunch of jerks. MacReady not exactly a cuddly individual, Childs has major anger issues, Garry's a dick... There was tension there, because no one really liked each other in the first place. They were kind of alienated before the monster showed up. With the Norwegian crew, other than Dr. Sandor Halvorson, who's pretty much an arrogant dick... They all seem like pretty cool guys. Like if you had to be stuck with a bunch of folks in a snowstorm in Antarctica, they're the people who you'd want to be stuck with. And that does hurt the tension some. But I suppose that's kind of the point, as it IS a different movie.

So is the 2011 Thing movie perfect? Hell no. It really does feel less like it's own movie, and more like a set-up. Did it really need to be made? Not really, but I could say that of most movies. But am I glad it was? Yeah, I am glad it was made. I did enjoy it, and enjoyed it enough that I bought the DVD of it. It's not the greatest movie ever, and if you had to watch one of the Thing movies, I'd recommend the '82 or even the 1951 classic film. It's generally a fun movie that doesn't have any noticeable plot holes. Yeah, it's essentially the same movie made over again. It's better to come up with a new story, but if you gotta do a remake of a previously made movie, this is probably the better formula to follow. Some will like it and some won't. You mileage may vary, but for what it's worth... I liked it.

STOOGE RATING

Joe Besser

DC ABCs Part 1 (A-G)

So I've been doing these ABCs of the DC universe here lately. Mainly to keep myself busy while I'm script writing. (Which is going a LOT slower than I had thought it would.) Also it's allowing me to play around with some drawing and coloring techniques so I can produce more work faster. (Like I mentioned before, when I'm ready to release the new comic, I want the entire story completed before even putting the first page out.) So I've been doing these things for the past few weeks. (Not to mention since the comic I'm doing is a more superhero type comic, it's good practice.)

The idea was the focus on the lesser known and outright obscure characters in the DC universe, just because I feel that's one of DC's strongest elements is just the sheer amount of weird concepts it's some up with over the last eight decades. Many of these were chosen by others. And I normally post these on my DeviantArt gallery, but I figured I've post them too in groups. So let's start.

A is for ATLEE: First we have Atlee, the most recent Terra. Power Girl's sidekick and all around adorable subterranean girl. She stayed home to hang around her parents after the Ultra-Humanite tried to take over her body, and we hadn't heard from her since. (And with the new universe re-boot, we probably never will.)

B is for BZZD: Next up is the Green Lantern Bzzd, who's essentially a space hornet. Not the strangest Green Lantern ever made.

My Five Shittiest Movies of all time.

Admittedly, I just wanted to post
another picture of Milla Johovich.

As I've said many times before, I have a serious love for stupid movies. I will happily waste my evenings watching Milla Johovich movies (including the ultrabad Ultraviolet). There's an element of non-pretentiousness that comes with these movies. I don't hold grudges against movies for not being more than what they could have been. I'm a fan of potential, but just because I can look at a movie like the Phantom and think that this movie could have been bigger and better than Captain America: First Avenger if it had been done differently, doesn't mean that the creative teams felt that way... Or that I'm even right. I don't blame Joel Schumacher for not seeing the Batman movies as more than just excuses to wear rubber fetish costumes, and I surely don't hold a grudge against Shaq for the abysmal Steel movie. Sometimes the creator of a story just doesn't see the depth of character their tale has. They don't see that with a little extra effort, it could have been something really special. Like that Seth Rogan Green Hornet movie... It sucked. It could have been so freakin' awesome, but all the creators on that movie saw was a jokey vehicle for Rogan to act like a jackass to. And it sucked for it... But I don't blame them.

Say what you will about Revenge of the Fallen... NO ONE in the production of that movie thought they were making high art, and I feel pity for anyone who expected it. But if Michael Bay had come out and said “This is a movie about something special, that means something important politically or socially!”... I would be right there next to you all cursing his name! But he didn't. All he promised is “Shit blows up.” That's it! The Pirates of the Caribbean movies only promised exotic locales and Johnny Depp acting like a dork for two hours. Nothing more. And that upcoming Battleship movie? Oh, I already know people are going to bitch about it... I'm going to see it and I am going to LOVE IT. Why? The only thing that movie promises is “Battleships and explosions!” I'm not expecting a serious dramatic treatise on naval exercises and alien architectural concepts given new light. And before someone says that they could have been good action films, like Die Hard or Lethal Weapon, I'd like to point out that movies of those caliber are the exception and not the rule. If you were to sit down and stat naming off the really GOOD action movies, you'd start running out, real fast. Or worse yet, you'd start including movies from other genre, just to pad the list. (Like adding Saving Private Ryan. It's not an action movie. It's a war movie. There's a big difference.) COULD they have bee more? Yes, of course they can. But like I mentioned before, since when is it a good thing to being pissed off at something for what it WASN'T, as opposed to what is WAS?

Well, I'm gonna tell you when. As I said, I don't blame creators for underestimating their projects. However the opposite of that is completely irritating. To me, there's nothing worse than a movie, comic or cartoon that thinks it's more than it deserves to be. When a creator is calling his or her work high art, but in reality it's nothing deeper than late night Showtime softcore cinema. I have a small list of movies like this. Movies that are so awful, that I hate them. I rank them lower than Frank Miller's The Spirit. (I at least own that on DVD, even if I did buy it for $1.99 at a Blockbuster close out sale.) Movies that had a perfectly acceptable formula laid out before them, and all they had to do was follow it... But someone decided to stick their heads up their asses, try and failed to be arty farty, and you ended up with a piece of shit. When all you want is a stupid popcorn flick, and you end up with just stupid.

Ladies and gentlemen, my bottom five shittiest movies of all time.

Bewbs.

5. SuckerPunch (2011) – Now when the trailers for this came out, a lot of people were ready to condemn it. For some reason Zack Synder really irks a lot of fans, and at times I don't really understand the reasons why. Dawn of the Dead was pretty good, 300 was awesome as all hell, and Watchmen... While it shouldn't have been made, I don't blame him. It's like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It might have been too big to make into a single movie... But I got to say, despite a few changes here and there, it was surprisingly faithful to the Alan Moore book. (And I give him credit for not pussying out with Dr. Manhattan's blue atomicock.) Then it was announced that Synder was next in line to do the Superman movie. SuckerPunch hadn't yet come out, and I was full of hope. Sure nerds were bitching, but if it's not Game of Thrones, Tron or Firefly... All they know how to do is bitch, right? So I blew it off. Images and trailers for SuckerPunch started flowing out, and from all first impressions, this movie looked to be basically a really stupid-awesome action movie, basically loaded with steampunk elements, WWII bombers, dragons, and scantly clad chicks with lesbian overtones. Awesome. That's all we wanted was some stupid action movie. What we got was this mean spirited, obsessed with eye liner that kept going back to a fantasy world of a brothel, which was the least interesting fantasy world in the movie. It's like when you're getting your ass kicked for selling baking soda as cocaine, and they 're just working your balls over, kicking and punching them. You ask them if they could move to another part of the body, and they do... But after a while, their lack of originality just brings them back to your balls. I'm sure you've all been there. And instead of owning up to it, Synder tried to write it off by saying “it was an intentional movie about female objectification.” Well Zachy boy, you failed on all counts. I know it's a shock, but the average movie going audience isn't stupid. They are perfectly capable of watching and appreciating something deeper like Inception. If they can't figure it out, without you telling them... Then you've failed. And now I'm worried for Superman. (And the real shame about this movie is that there's some amazing visuals in it. It really COULD have been a cool film.)

4. Hulk (2002) – Here's the thing about the Hulk. *ahem* “Bruce Banner get's mad. Changes to Hulk. Hulk Smash.” There's the fucking plot! We all want comic book movies to be taken seriously, but there are certain comic books where that's not necessarily needed. Hulk, even when it was written by Peter David was not a deep comic. It's about a green giant who's the “strongest one there is.” Instead, director Ang Lee tried to make the movie about a father and son complex issue, mixed together with really bad comic book framing. It's almost like he didn't even bother to read the comics. (Or see the show, or cartoons, or flip through the clip notes...) And then there's that bit of Hulk growing as he gets madder, to the point he's almost twenty feet tall in some shots? I quote Atomic Robo... “Why do we even have the cube squared law?!” And the movie climax with the fight with Nick Nolte turning into a rock monster, making no sense at all... All we wanted was “Hulk Smash!” and all we got was two hours of Hulk's feelings. At least the 2008 Incredible Hulk movie completely made up for it to the point most people have even forgotten all about it.

3. Starship Troopers (1997) – You know, here's the thing about adaptations. Not only is it about getting the story right, but it's more important to understand WHY the source material was so beloved. Jurassic Park made some significant changes from Michael Crichton original novel, but the feeling of the book was still there. You felt the dinosaurs were real. Sure, Ian Malcolm died in the book and lived in the movie, you didn't mind the changes because it didn't change what the story was about. Actually, I think the movie's a better story too. And I think Crichton did too, since the sequel book was a sequel to the movie. (Too back the movie's sequel didn't follow that book at all.) With Starship Troopers... You got to know that this is the source material that gave birth to popular franchises like Gundam, Macross and even James Cameron's take on the Colonial Marines in Aliens. Giant robots, bug hunts, militarism... These were all elements that helped make up a very fascinating universe. When we were told that Paul Verhoven, the director of Robocop was directing the movie, those of us who were fans of the novel thought “Okay, they'll make some big changes. It'll mainly be an action movie with giant robots fighting giant bugs. Sweet, we can live with that.” Then the movie came out... And not only did it take an HOUR for ANY action to occur, the action was more parody than anything. It was a snarky movie about propaganda. (And it wasn't even funny. And it sure as hell wasn't deep.) I mean, if they wanted to make a serious movie that made people think, then just stick to the source material! It was already pretty good and got it's point across. We all were expecting the plot to be changed, so we were expecting a silly action flick. Hell, the commercials promised it! And we were bored out of our minds. A friend of mine told me later that if you fast forward to the good parts, then it's okay. The problem is that you shouldn't have to fast forward through HALF the movie to get to the good part. Changing a good story to some stupid action movie is one thing, and we can get over it. But changing a good story to another inferior story that you just think is better is an insult. In it's credit though, I will say that it was about five years ahead of it's time in making an 'anti-war all soldiers are fascists' movie. Because you know, those movies *always* deep and insightful, right? (You can't see it right now, but I'm sneering.)

2. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) – Okay, here's the thing about Mortal Kombat. It's a stupid movie, but it's one of the most successful video game movies ever made. And the reason for it, is because it's essentially a remake of Bruce Lee's Enter The Dragon, which in itself was a silly action movie. Mortal Kombat was actually responsible for the resurgence of Kung Fu movies in the 90s, much like how Resident Evil was responsible for the zombie resurgence in the 00s. (Though no one wants to credit the movies for it, even though it's obvious.) I've talked recently about Paul W.S. Andersen and why I like his movies, and when a sequel for Mortal Kombat was announced, well, I figured he'd just adapt another Bruce Lee movie. (Fist of Fury might have been perfect for it!) Instead, he chose not to return for the sequel and do Event Horizon instead. (A rather good movie on his behalf I think. Event Horizon's a really underrated gem of a film.) After his departure, a new group of writers and a new director came on. They decided to be more faithful to the game, giving it a deeper story and in the end, it was a total clusterfuck. Look, franchises like Mortal Kombat, D.O.A., Tekken... They're fighting games. There's NO plot. D.O.A. is about tits and fighting, Street Fighter is just anime characters hadoukening each other, and Mortal Kombat is Chinese mythology mixed with bicycle kicks... And a guy named Scorpion. All they needed to do was make a stupid movie about another tournament, this time taking place in Outworld. We already HAD no expectations from the first movie. We knew what we wanted. When you have a movie that's a huge success (and understand that the first one was!) when making the sequel, do you change the formula? No, you stupid sonofabitch, you give them more of the same. This is what works! When something is successful, you DON'T CHANGE IT. You only do that when it when it STOPS being successful. All the had to do was make it a movie about headkicking, and they couldn't even get it right. Hell they couldn't even get Christopher Lambert back, and that's pretty sad. (Though if they make a remake, like they're talking about doing... I wouldn't mind actually seeing an actual Asian in the role of the Chinese thunder god.)

1. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007) – Fuck this movie. No seriously, fuck this movie. Look, the first Alien vs. Predator movie I talked about here. I liked it. It's a 1950's monster movie, with the Aliens and Predators. The only thing I would have changed it make it take place in the 50s. (But I'm a sucker for period pieces.) However, the nerds, as they're known to do, bitched about how watered down it was, how it wasn't rated R, or overly bloody. (By the way, other than Predator 2, none of the previous movies in the entire franchise were really exceptionally bloody. They show those with minimal cuts, during daytime television.) Out of the nine movies in the entire franchise, it probably ranks #4 on the list, right underneath Alien, Aliens and Predator. (Though if Prometheus is as good as it's looking, it might get bumped down some more!) But regardless, the producers listened to the nerds, and they produced this piece of excrement. Now some people may think I'm being too harsh... Well, I'm not. Let's start with the fact that there's absolutely no likable characters in this movie. None. I mean, I get it that in Final Destination movies, the characters are supposed to be unlikeable douchbags, so you can look forward to them dying in horribly funny and ironic ways. But the surviving protagonists in this movie were not at all likable. I didn't care if they lived or died. The Predator, which in all previous movies, have been depicted as ruthless but honorable hunter-warriors, here is depicted as a heartless monster, killing anyone who gets in his way. (His first kill was a cop, who just stumbled upon him.) Where in previous Alien movies, the aliens are shown to impregnate their victims with face-huggers which lay an egg in their chests, that will later burst through the victim's chest giving birth to an alien... The Predalien in here, grabs the victim (always women) by the head, and essentially 'facefucks' the woman, who shortly after, give birth to a horde of baby aliens clawing through her belly. And let's not forget the tasteful scene of the Predalien in the maternity ward, heavily implying he ate the newborns. There's a very defined and thick line between creepy disturbing and gross disgusting. Prior to this movie, the Aliens have been the former. This movie falls into the latter.

Now let me emphasize, I'm well aware that I'm NOT the target audience for modern day horror movies like Piranha or Hobo with a Shotgun. I get that, and while I may not be the target audience, I can still respect the movies for what they are and what they're supposed to be. I think had the movie been just a Predator movie, when him hunting down an unrelated rogue space monster, I probably would have been okay with it. (The Predator movies generally are more graphic than Alien movies.) But Predator or not, it's still an Alien film and while they are horror movies, the Alien movies are supposed to possess a level of class and substance. A level that this movie did not have. I wasn't creeped out, or disturbed. This is the crap that a juvenile nerd would come up with. I'm not fond of Alien Resurrection, but at least that's an Alien movie, which is more than I can say for this piece of fuck. And I won't even address how incompetent they made the military look. I get it they're outnumbered and didn't know what to expect, but come on! The armed forces are better than that! (Hell, street gangs are better than that!) The thing is, when there's a sequel, there is a precedence that's set. That's the keyword with all movies is “precedence” and it applies to all the movies on this list. All movies, no matter good, bad, or stupid-awesome has set a precedence that the audience comes to expect from the movie. This precedence is defined by the source material, the previous movies and even the trailers. Even when the movie is complex where you don't know what to expect, like Inception, you know what you're going to be in for. And each one of these five movies failed to deliver on that precedence. Are there other movies that are just as bad? Yes, but I had actual attachments to these movies, so that's why they pissed me off so.

And there you go. Originally I actually had 1999's Dungeons and Dragons on this list, but the Nostalgia Critic's review of it gave me a new appreciation for the piece o' crap. The fun of Jeremy Irons' overacting, versus Thora Birch's underacting is a treat to watch. So, that's my bottom five shittiest movies of all time. Now as I leave off, I'm going to be honest. I could have made this list my shittiest comic book list, but unfortunately, it's really far too long to list. And considering I'm supposed to be a comic book creator, at this point in time, it's been far too long since I've put out a comic regularly, and I should not be one to talk, until I can put out.