|Admittedly, I just wanted to post|
another picture of Milla Johovich.
Say what you will about Revenge of the Fallen... NO ONE in the production of that movie thought they were making high art, and I feel pity for anyone who expected it. But if Michael Bay had come out and said “This is a movie about something special, that means something important politically or socially!”... I would be right there next to you all cursing his name! But he didn't. All he promised is “Shit blows up.” That's it! The Pirates of the Caribbean movies only promised exotic locales and Johnny Depp acting like a dork for two hours. Nothing more. And that upcoming Battleship movie? Oh, I already know people are going to bitch about it... I'm going to see it and I am going to LOVE IT. Why? The only thing that movie promises is “Battleships and explosions!” I'm not expecting a serious dramatic treatise on naval exercises and alien architectural concepts given new light. And before someone says that they could have been good action films, like Die Hard or Lethal Weapon, I'd like to point out that movies of those caliber are the exception and not the rule. If you were to sit down and stat naming off the really GOOD action movies, you'd start running out, real fast. Or worse yet, you'd start including movies from other genre, just to pad the list. (Like adding Saving Private Ryan. It's not an action movie. It's a war movie. There's a big difference.) COULD they have bee more? Yes, of course they can. But like I mentioned before, since when is it a good thing to being pissed off at something for what it WASN'T, as opposed to what is WAS?
Well, I'm gonna tell you when. As I said, I don't blame creators for underestimating their projects. However the opposite of that is completely irritating. To me, there's nothing worse than a movie, comic or cartoon that thinks it's more than it deserves to be. When a creator is calling his or her work high art, but in reality it's nothing deeper than late night Showtime softcore cinema. I have a small list of movies like this. Movies that are so awful, that I hate them. I rank them lower than Frank Miller's The Spirit. (I at least own that on DVD, even if I did buy it for $1.99 at a Blockbuster close out sale.) Movies that had a perfectly acceptable formula laid out before them, and all they had to do was follow it... But someone decided to stick their heads up their asses, try and failed to be arty farty, and you ended up with a piece of shit. When all you want is a stupid popcorn flick, and you end up with just stupid.
Ladies and gentlemen, my bottom five shittiest movies of all time.
5. SuckerPunch (2011) – Now when the trailers for this came out, a lot of people were ready to condemn it. For some reason Zack Synder really irks a lot of fans, and at times I don't really understand the reasons why. Dawn of the Dead was pretty good, 300 was awesome as all hell, and Watchmen... While it shouldn't have been made, I don't blame him. It's like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It might have been too big to make into a single movie... But I got to say, despite a few changes here and there, it was surprisingly faithful to the Alan Moore book. (And I give him credit for not pussying out with Dr. Manhattan's blue atomicock.) Then it was announced that Synder was next in line to do the Superman movie. SuckerPunch hadn't yet come out, and I was full of hope. Sure nerds were bitching, but if it's not Game of Thrones, Tron or Firefly... All they know how to do is bitch, right? So I blew it off. Images and trailers for SuckerPunch started flowing out, and from all first impressions, this movie looked to be basically a really stupid-awesome action movie, basically loaded with steampunk elements, WWII bombers, dragons, and scantly clad chicks with lesbian overtones. Awesome. That's all we wanted was some stupid action movie. What we got was this mean spirited, obsessed with eye liner that kept going back to a fantasy world of a brothel, which was the least interesting fantasy world in the movie. It's like when you're getting your ass kicked for selling baking soda as cocaine, and they 're just working your balls over, kicking and punching them. You ask them if they could move to another part of the body, and they do... But after a while, their lack of originality just brings them back to your balls. I'm sure you've all been there. And instead of owning up to it, Synder tried to write it off by saying “it was an intentional movie about female objectification.” Well Zachy boy, you failed on all counts. I know it's a shock, but the average movie going audience isn't stupid. They are perfectly capable of watching and appreciating something deeper like Inception. If they can't figure it out, without you telling them... Then you've failed. And now I'm worried for Superman. (And the real shame about this movie is that there's some amazing visuals in it. It really COULD have been a cool film.)
4. Hulk (2002) – Here's the thing about the Hulk. *ahem* “Bruce Banner get's mad. Changes to Hulk. Hulk Smash.” There's the fucking plot! We all want comic book movies to be taken seriously, but there are certain comic books where that's not necessarily needed. Hulk, even when it was written by Peter David was not a deep comic. It's about a green giant who's the “strongest one there is.” Instead, director Ang Lee tried to make the movie about a father and son complex issue, mixed together with really bad comic book framing. It's almost like he didn't even bother to read the comics. (Or see the show, or cartoons, or flip through the clip notes...) And then there's that bit of Hulk growing as he gets madder, to the point he's almost twenty feet tall in some shots? I quote Atomic Robo... “Why do we even have the cube squared law?!” And the movie climax with the fight with Nick Nolte turning into a rock monster, making no sense at all... All we wanted was “Hulk Smash!” and all we got was two hours of Hulk's feelings. At least the 2008 Incredible Hulk movie completely made up for it to the point most people have even forgotten all about it.
3. Starship Troopers (1997) – You know, here's the thing about adaptations. Not only is it about getting the story right, but it's more important to understand WHY the source material was so beloved. Jurassic Park made some significant changes from Michael Crichton original novel, but the feeling of the book was still there. You felt the dinosaurs were real. Sure, Ian Malcolm died in the book and lived in the movie, you didn't mind the changes because it didn't change what the story was about. Actually, I think the movie's a better story too. And I think Crichton did too, since the sequel book was a sequel to the movie. (Too back the movie's sequel didn't follow that book at all.) With Starship Troopers... You got to know that this is the source material that gave birth to popular franchises like Gundam, Macross and even James Cameron's take on the Colonial Marines in Aliens. Giant robots, bug hunts, militarism... These were all elements that helped make up a very fascinating universe. When we were told that Paul Verhoven, the director of Robocop was directing the movie, those of us who were fans of the novel thought “Okay, they'll make some big changes. It'll mainly be an action movie with giant robots fighting giant bugs. Sweet, we can live with that.” Then the movie came out... And not only did it take an HOUR for ANY action to occur, the action was more parody than anything. It was a snarky movie about propaganda. (And it wasn't even funny. And it sure as hell wasn't deep.) I mean, if they wanted to make a serious movie that made people think, then just stick to the source material! It was already pretty good and got it's point across. We all were expecting the plot to be changed, so we were expecting a silly action flick. Hell, the commercials promised it! And we were bored out of our minds. A friend of mine told me later that if you fast forward to the good parts, then it's okay. The problem is that you shouldn't have to fast forward through HALF the movie to get to the good part. Changing a good story to some stupid action movie is one thing, and we can get over it. But changing a good story to another inferior story that you just think is better is an insult. In it's credit though, I will say that it was about five years ahead of it's time in making an 'anti-war all soldiers are fascists' movie. Because you know, those movies *always* deep and insightful, right? (You can't see it right now, but I'm sneering.)
2. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) – Okay, here's the thing about Mortal Kombat. It's a stupid movie, but it's one of the most successful video game movies ever made. And the reason for it, is because it's essentially a remake of Bruce Lee's Enter The Dragon, which in itself was a silly action movie. Mortal Kombat was actually responsible for the resurgence of Kung Fu movies in the 90s, much like how Resident Evil was responsible for the zombie resurgence in the 00s. (Though no one wants to credit the movies for it, even though it's obvious.) I've talked recently about Paul W.S. Andersen and why I like his movies, and when a sequel for Mortal Kombat was announced, well, I figured he'd just adapt another Bruce Lee movie. (Fist of Fury might have been perfect for it!) Instead, he chose not to return for the sequel and do Event Horizon instead. (A rather good movie on his behalf I think. Event Horizon's a really underrated gem of a film.) After his departure, a new group of writers and a new director came on. They decided to be more faithful to the game, giving it a deeper story and in the end, it was a total clusterfuck. Look, franchises like Mortal Kombat, D.O.A., Tekken... They're fighting games. There's NO plot. D.O.A. is about tits and fighting, Street Fighter is just anime characters hadoukening each other, and Mortal Kombat is Chinese mythology mixed with bicycle kicks... And a guy named Scorpion. All they needed to do was make a stupid movie about another tournament, this time taking place in Outworld. We already HAD no expectations from the first movie. We knew what we wanted. When you have a movie that's a huge success (and understand that the first one was!) when making the sequel, do you change the formula? No, you stupid sonofabitch, you give them more of the same. This is what works! When something is successful, you DON'T CHANGE IT. You only do that when it when it STOPS being successful. All the had to do was make it a movie about headkicking, and they couldn't even get it right. Hell they couldn't even get Christopher Lambert back, and that's pretty sad. (Though if they make a remake, like they're talking about doing... I wouldn't mind actually seeing an actual Asian in the role of the Chinese thunder god.)
1. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007) – Fuck this movie. No seriously, fuck this movie. Look, the first Alien vs. Predator movie I talked about here. I liked it. It's a 1950's monster movie, with the Aliens and Predators. The only thing I would have changed it make it take place in the 50s. (But I'm a sucker for period pieces.) However, the nerds, as they're known to do, bitched about how watered down it was, how it wasn't rated R, or overly bloody. (By the way, other than Predator 2, none of the previous movies in the entire franchise were really exceptionally bloody. They show those with minimal cuts, during daytime television.) Out of the nine movies in the entire franchise, it probably ranks #4 on the list, right underneath Alien, Aliens and Predator. (Though if Prometheus is as good as it's looking, it might get bumped down some more!) But regardless, the producers listened to the nerds, and they produced this piece of excrement. Now some people may think I'm being too harsh... Well, I'm not. Let's start with the fact that there's absolutely no likable characters in this movie. None. I mean, I get it that in Final Destination movies, the characters are supposed to be unlikeable douchbags, so you can look forward to them dying in horribly funny and ironic ways. But the surviving protagonists in this movie were not at all likable. I didn't care if they lived or died. The Predator, which in all previous movies, have been depicted as ruthless but honorable hunter-warriors, here is depicted as a heartless monster, killing anyone who gets in his way. (His first kill was a cop, who just stumbled upon him.) Where in previous Alien movies, the aliens are shown to impregnate their victims with face-huggers which lay an egg in their chests, that will later burst through the victim's chest giving birth to an alien... The Predalien in here, grabs the victim (always women) by the head, and essentially 'facefucks' the woman, who shortly after, give birth to a horde of baby aliens clawing through her belly. And let's not forget the tasteful scene of the Predalien in the maternity ward, heavily implying he ate the newborns. There's a very defined and thick line between creepy disturbing and gross disgusting. Prior to this movie, the Aliens have been the former. This movie falls into the latter.
Now let me emphasize, I'm well aware that I'm NOT the target audience for modern day horror movies like Piranha or Hobo with a Shotgun. I get that, and while I may not be the target audience, I can still respect the movies for what they are and what they're supposed to be. I think had the movie been just a Predator movie, when him hunting down an unrelated rogue space monster, I probably would have been okay with it. (The Predator movies generally are more graphic than Alien movies.) But Predator or not, it's still an Alien film and while they are horror movies, the Alien movies are supposed to possess a level of class and substance. A level that this movie did not have. I wasn't creeped out, or disturbed. This is the crap that a juvenile nerd would come up with. I'm not fond of Alien Resurrection, but at least that's an Alien movie, which is more than I can say for this piece of fuck. And I won't even address how incompetent they made the military look. I get it they're outnumbered and didn't know what to expect, but come on! The armed forces are better than that! (Hell, street gangs are better than that!) The thing is, when there's a sequel, there is a precedence that's set. That's the keyword with all movies is “precedence” and it applies to all the movies on this list. All movies, no matter good, bad, or stupid-awesome has set a precedence that the audience comes to expect from the movie. This precedence is defined by the source material, the previous movies and even the trailers. Even when the movie is complex where you don't know what to expect, like Inception, you know what you're going to be in for. And each one of these five movies failed to deliver on that precedence. Are there other movies that are just as bad? Yes, but I had actual attachments to these movies, so that's why they pissed me off so.
And there you go. Originally I actually had 1999's Dungeons and Dragons on this list, but the Nostalgia Critic's review of it gave me a new appreciation for the piece o' crap. The fun of Jeremy Irons' overacting, versus Thora Birch's underacting is a treat to watch. So, that's my bottom five shittiest movies of all time. Now as I leave off, I'm going to be honest. I could have made this list my shittiest comic book list, but unfortunately, it's really far too long to list. And considering I'm supposed to be a comic book creator, at this point in time, it's been far too long since I've put out a comic regularly, and I should not be one to talk, until I can put out.